Let us get the obvious confession out of the way. This has very little to do with cruising, unless you count the number of mince pies you can get through on a sea day. But the Cruise Collective office has spent several December afternoons methodically eating its way through Britain’s supermarket mince pies, and it felt a shame not to share the results. 

We scored each pie on taste, texture, appearance and value for money, then averaged everything into a final score. Multiple people tasted each brand. Some comments were thoughtful tasting notes. Some were just “awful”. All were taken into account.

What follows is our entirely unscientific, completely unofficial league table of this year’s mince pies. Your nan’s recipe may well be better. In one case, it actually was. 

10. Asda

£1.25 – Final score: 5.3/10

Every taste test needs a basement. For us, that was Asda. The general mood was “fine, if you are already at the party and they are free”. Comments included “least favourite” and the ominous “didn’t eat the middle so that says something”. The pastry was called out for odd crunchy bits and stingy filling, which is not really what you want from a festive treat. Same price as some of the stronger contenders, but not in the same league.

9. Iceland

£1.25 – Final score: 5.5/10

Iceland did better than anyone expected from the first bite. One taster wrote “surprisingly good” with visible shock. Another noted “nice pastry, loved the sugar on top, solid mince pie”. The problem is less the flavour and more that everything feels a bit small and slightly restrained. If you end up with a box in your freezer you're not going to be completely let down, but you probably won't feel inspired to write poetry about them either.

8. Co op

£1.50 – Final score: 5.6/10

Co op arrived looking the part, then lost most of its points as soon as anyone tried to eat it. “Very crumbly, space for extra filling, not super tasty” was one of the kinder verdicts. Others went straight for “awful” and “bitter aftertaste, claggy texture, looked good but wouldn’t eat again”. It is the catfish of the mince pie world; looks promising on the plate, does not live up to the profile.

7. Sainsbury’s (taste the difference)

£1.75 – Final score: 6.1/10

Sainsbury’s sits squarely in the midfield. The pies look smart and festive, and several people liked the buttery flavour. Unfortunately the pastry was repeatedly described as “hard” and “like a biscuit”, with not quite enough filling to compensate. This is the pie equivalent of a solid three star hotel. You will sleep, you will be fed, but you are unlikely to talk about it favourably next Christmas.

6. Greggs

£2.25 – Final score: 6.5/10

Greggs is not a supermarket, but it is a British institution and therefore had to be included. Predictably, the reaction was affectionate. One taster summed it up with “not quite a bean pasty but good all the same”. People liked the icing sugar dusting and the overall flavour, although there were complaints about the powdered sugar exploding all over black tops and a slightly flat profile. A perfectly decent 'on the go' pie, best eaten when already holding a coffee and wearing something wipe clean.

5. Lidl

£1.25 – Final score: 6.54/10

Lidl’s mince pies ended up as the great office divide. On paper the 6.54 average puts them firmly in mid-table respectability: The box wins instant points for the cute holly motif and a pastry that several people thought tasted properly buttery rather than bulk-made bland. Look a little closer, though, and you can see why not everyone was converted. One taster refused to go beyond the first bite, declaring it “underbaked and claggy,” while another summed it up as “a bit disappointing overall, but not bad for the price.” Which is probably the fairest verdict.

4. Tesco

£1.25 – Final score: 7.3/10

Tesco did pretty well. Opinions were split, from “very good, great value, good filling” to “not great, filling had a bitter taste”. On balance though, the numbers pushed it into the top half of the table. For the price, it performs impressively, and feels like a reliable option for feeding a roomful of people who are too busy arguing about Monopoly to notice nuance in their pastry.

3. Aldi

£1.25 – Final score: 7.4/10

Aldi is where the value hunters will be happiest. Descriptions included “absolutely amazing, had two” and “loved the stodge, good amount of filling, excellent value for money”. The recurring criticism was the lack of sugar on top and pastry that some found a bit crumbly, but the filling scored well and the price point does a lot of heavy lifting. If you are catering for many and watching the budget, this is where spreadsheet and stomach will both nod in approval.

2. Waitrose

£3.30 – Final score: 8.5/10

Waitrose came very close to winning, and caused the most animated debate in the office. The pastry was repeatedly described as “very buttery”, “perfect texture” and “what wasn’t to love”. The only real gripe was a desire for more sugar on top. One taster noted “those posh totties can’t half make a mince pie”, which is about as on brand for Waitrose as it gets. Larger in size, generous in filling and confident in flavour, this is a pie that's built to impress.

1. M&S

£3.00 – Final score: 9/10

Top of the tree, in a result that will surprise approximately nobody, is M&S. “Delicious rich filling, filled to the brim, large, buttery pastry, sugar crust, top notch” reads one verdict. Another simply wrote “almost faultless”. The serrated lid was praised for feeling almost homemade, the fruit pieces were distinct rather than mushy, and even the more critical tasters admitted the decoration and fill level were spot on. One person did point out that the pastry was not quite as buttery as Waitrose, but the overall balance won the day. If you want the safest possible box to turn up with on Christmas Eve, this is it.

The unofficial non-supermarket champion

In among all the branded boxes, there was also a rogue entry from Copywriter extraordinaire Grace’s gran, which we scored for science. Her sherry laced pies landed a higher final score than most of the supermarkets, with “nice rustic look, lots of filling, crisp pastry, yum” and “really yum, loved the sherry” among the comments.

We are not giving her an official podium place, because it feels unfair to compare a family recipe to something that has been frozen, shipped and stacked, but if any supermarket buyers are reading, you know where to start for next year’s range.

In the meantime, consider this a small festive diversion from our usual business of writing about ships. If nothing else, it proves that the Cruise Collective office can approach baked goods with exactly the same level of overthinking we reserve for embarkation queues.